GROUND HOG WEEK

GROUND HOG WEEK

Six more weeks of Winter. No more weeks of Football. A bunch more weeks of Basketball. And, on the good side, just a few more says until Early Spring Training begins.

These past seven days, the end of January and the beginning of February, made for a regrettable week. Colder than cold weather. As in bitter cold. Freeze the mustache sort of weather. Storms. Just about every day. It either rained, snowed or sleeted.

The roads were terrible. No, not due to the snow (primarily). The Black Ice [1] and the New Jersey [2] drivers [3]. A lethal combination. In bad weather there should be a law that drivers of cars with Jersey [4] plates [5] are not allowed into New York.

Power outages. And then more power outages. That means oversleeping, which made for some business problems. I have a small PBX (telephone switching system) here. This meant no calls got through to the system, since it runs on, you guessed it, electricity. Ran up the cell phone minutes on those days, thatís for sure. I must have called the voice mail (where all my seemingly ìunansweredî calls were going) 100 times.

Even the phones were out for a period of time one day this week. ìA Major Central Office Line Disruption,î says the woman at the repair line, reached via the cellphone. ìWe donít know when it will be repaired, but please be sure we are aware of it. And thank you for calling Verizon, where we are always striving to bring quality service to you, our customers.î That was good for a laugh, a little gallows humor.

Business transactions hitting roadblocks, obstacles, technical difficulties, negotiation impasses and various sorts of ego-driven bullshit. Technical people (some call them engineers) too absorbed in their work to give updates or status reports. Other technical people too busy to return a call, making those of us on the front lines appear to be dimwits.

Honestly, it is a good thing this past work week is finally over. I was ready to go to Pennsylvania and find a ground hog to shoot.

Hereís what helped keep some sanity over the past 5+ days: Goodies from the inbox.

E-MAIL TO THE RESCUE

These two jokes that follow came, along with some political mailers, and they managed to lift my spirits. The political ones included the Move On campaign to have Dubya censured by Congress [6] and a Common Cause mailer [7] asking that I call or write my State Representative to be certain the voting machines installed in NY are not the ones of the ìRepublimaticî funny-money persuasion.

HEARTFELT FUNNY

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.



Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.



At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."



That's when the proctologist fainted.

CINDERELLA REVISITED



Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother." The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent a fundamental a change in his biological make-up such that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.î

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......... I BET NOW YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME!