SKIN NOT SO THICK
SKIN NOT SO THICK
Something happened today. Very upsetting. From left field. No, that understates it. From far afield.
So upsetting that I was shaking after it happened. Not sure how to handle the wave of emotions that came in an onrush, an overflow.
From a source so surprising. A friend, or so I thought. A colleague, someone Iíve known for years. Done business with him, shared war stories, considered a friend, an associate, a colleague. Always had a sense of trust, of him being a person of substance, of honor, all those worthy things. Respectable. A decent guy.
Something like this hasnít happened to me for over 30 years.
In a heated discussion, reviewing some very sticky points of a business endeavor we are both a part of, this fellow accused me of some untoward practices. That was pretty shocking, took me aback. His 50:50 equity business partner, a very good friend of mine, asked him to calm down.
And then it happened. Religious epithets. Stereotypical slander.
I was stunned.
Didnít know how to react.
The name calling isnít what got me. It was the revealing of animosities and beliefs that are bigger than the individual relationship Iíve had with this person. Yes, we were involved in very difficult negotiations. And yes, many of us are concerned that the deal should remain in place even if some of us (ahem, like ME, for one) will sacrifice a chunk of our piece of it ñ in order to keep the deal alive.
What shook me was the attitude as much as the epithets. I havenít dealt with this sort of bigotry in over thirty years. And all this time, the nearly ten years Iíve been jovially interacting with this fellow (sending ribald or funny e-mails, sharing jokes, hanging out at professional meetings, and so forth) this was never even near the surface.
But, come a tense moment, and out it came.
The call was over moments after this happened. I found myself so upset, I was shaking. Part of the feeling was rage, part of it was absorbing the wound.
And part of it made me wonder if this is bubbling beneath the surface in other places, as well. Here we were, a group of New York Metropolitan area adults, businessmen. People dealing in an international marketplace and with people from all over the world. A rather egalitarian and enlightened group, or so I had thought.
How to handle this? What to do?
I still have to save the business deal. Thereís a considerable amount of money on the table. Responsibilities donít change. The deal remains a viable, though troubled, entity. Of course, whatever happens, I suspect this fellow will somehow feel cheated or taken in some way.
Heíd made some softer epithets about a different fellow, also a Jew, a partner of mine in other endeavors. He apologized in advance and had said that this other guy seemed to be the stereotype that many people bought into about Jews.
Little did I know he was going to place me under that same umbrella, specifically and with some malice, a few moments later. And with more ethnic slur, clear as day.
I have decisions to make as a result of this. I will take my time, consider my options, and come to my course of action after some deliberation. At this moment the thought is to complete the one deal, and never associate with this fellow again. But it isnít that easy.
Its never that easy. Broad strokes donít do the job, thatís just talk and showboating.
In real life there are harder choices.
This fellowís partner is a good friend of mine. He shared the shock and some of the outrage. But it wasnít aimed at him nor was it personally offensive to him. The partner is a true-blue friend, like a friend in need and all that. Not the kind of guy who abandons someone, or goes for the cheap shot.
And not someone Iíd abandon either, as a friend or business colleague. Even though his partner has now crossed a certain line with me. Thereís no going back over that line. Whatís said is said. It is out and in the open now.
This is early stage venting. We will see where it goes.
I remain upset. Extremely so.
This pretty much ruined my day.
Today (this was written on 1/15/04) was Martin Luther King's birthday. Eerily appropriate, it seems.
